I hate it when they're right.

Trigger warning for depression and self-injury.

It's really hard to talk to people about feeling depressed. I mean, beyond the hurdles of finding the motivation to talk about it at all and getting the courage to make yourself utterly vulnerable to another person by bringing it up, it can just be plain old hard to explain. Particularly if the person you're talking to has no first-hand experience with depression.

For me, it's cyclical. For as long as I can remember, it's come and gone. The worst points were when I was a teenager and after Thing 2 was born.

Since this time last year up till a few months ago, I've been pretty good. Euphoric even, on occasion. Around April I hit a snag. It'd been a long time coming...when you're paying attention and you've been dealing with depression as long as I have, you learn to read the early signs. Kind of like how when the wind picks up in just such a way that you can see the undersides of leaves on trees and you know a storm's coming? It's little, intuitive things like that. The beginning signs started in January, but the storm didn't start till April.

Ok, I swear there's a point to all of this (besides melodramatic imagery)!

So, not wanting this to fuck up a good thing I have going right now with school, I ventured forth and talked to one of my professors about it one night. He's a really good guy, really easy to talk to. I think he might have missed a promising career as a therapist. But of course he inevitably asked the question, "What are you depressed about?"

In my opinion, that is the most frustrating question to ask a depressed person. I literally never know what or why I'm depressed...when I'm in one of the down swings, I'm depressed about everything.

Did I mention this professor of mine is a seemingly-unwavering optimist? So of course that answer didn't satisfy him. He said (not in a condescending way) I ought to figure it out and channel it into art. Someone (I think it was K) said that that's what professors always say about anything bad - turn it into art. I think they always say it though because it's not a bad idea.

It started with a colored etching. As a recovering cutter (8 years!), self-injury is always a temptation when it gets bad. So instead, I started an etching of my arms (it still needs work, so I won't be posting it any time soon). It actually felt empowering, to confront the urge head on instead of quietly pretending it doesn't exist like I usually do.

As the semester ended, we incoming seniors had a meeting with the professor teaching capstone next year, and she gave us some guidelines for starting our capstone research over the summer. The first step was to sit down and brainstorm possible topics and questions that interest us and might lead to a thesis. I've known for months my capstone would have to have something to do with reproductive rights; that's just a given for me. And I've been mining motherhood and family history for ideas the last year or so. But I still had my professor's advice in the back of my mine while I was brainstorming topics. Everything I listed ended up being some variation on the intersection of motherhood and mental illness in social justice terms.

This leads me to my point, and my super exciting capstone.

Is postpartum depression to narrowly defined? What factors contribute towards the onset of depression after the window for PPD has "passed?" What are the most effective forms of treatment? Why aren't there more non-medicinal treatments available?

I don't have a definitive thesis yet, but this is my capstone! As soon as I scribbled "motherhood and depression" in my sketchbook, I felt electrified about it. It's such a personal topic and something I'm passionate about. I believe strongly in the marriage of art and activism to change the world, and this is a direction that could use more attention and help to it. And simultaneously, I'll be purging my psyche.

I'm not naive enough to think this will magically cure my life-long depression. But I'm already feeling my mood swinging back up. A couple of friends have been teasing me about doing all my research before the fall semester starts; but the research is making me too busy and passionate to feel depressed most days and I can already feel like I'm moving towards an upswing. And hey, I'll have a hell of a lot of work done towards my paper besides.

So the clichés professors say sometimes...they're not always such bad ideas.

I'm so hardcore, I go to school during winter break.

I do, actually. It's nice, I'm working side-by-side with a friend and a handful of our professors, making work and having fun.

It's something I need to keep in mind when I enter (re-enter?) the professional art world. I feel like a communal studio space is ideal for me. Maybe it's because I have been in school so long, but I feel so much more productive when there are other people working around me that I can talk to, bounce ideas off of, laugh with. There are definitely times I like working alone, but I think I prefer to work around other people the majority of the time.

Besides the instant feedback, it's nice to see how other people work. I know I have my own routines and rituals when it comes to working and it's fascinating to see how other people work too. For example: I have one tote bag, easily slung on my shoulder, that houses all of my paints, mediums and brushes. I purposely keep it to this one bag, so that I can easily take everything with me. When I go to work, I dump out my bag and spread everything out so that I can see all my tubes and grab what I need easily. It's not just painting either; in general I like to spread out while I'm working. I don't take up a ton of space, but I like having room.

The friend who's also working at school over break is nearly the exact opposite. She has a good-sized suitcase of all her painting supplies; it weighs a good 50-60 lbs. When she sets up, she just lays open her suitcase and grabs things out as she needs them. Compared to me, she uses up little space around her.

Just observing and absorbing those little differences fascinates me for some reason. Probably in part because I feel like I'm constantly developing my own studio practices and habits. But I suspect all the good artists spend their lives developing and re-evaluating and tweaking the way they work.

Annnnnnd, that's a wrap!

So today officially ended my first semester at Cazenovia.

I really believe that almost all things happen for a reason and I can often see how drastically different my own life would be if things didn't happen the way they have. But damn it, I wish I hadn't had to waste the last few years before coming to Caz. I'm still loving this place. I feel like I've been thriving these last few months, artistically and personally. Yeah, if I'd gone 4 years ago, it'd be totally different...different students, different point in my life. One of the professors I've become close with wasn't even teaching at Caz then. But it's still frustrating to feel like I wasted those years.

Although I guess I didn't really. If I hadn't had a miserable year at Oswego, I wouldn't have gone back to OCC. I might not have become as heavy an activist, and I definitely wouldn't have met some people whose friendships I value very much. I wouldn't have been there when my baby mama went into labor, and thus I might have missed my goddaughter being born. Ahhh, see? Everything happens for a reason!


I'm going to enjoy my month off though. In no small part because I'll be spending a goodly chunk of it at school working with some of the same people, professors and fellow students, who made this semester so awesome. Use of studio facilities for working on projects with far fewer people than usual about and no deadlines? Yes, please!

And boy, do I have projects planned. A month probably isn't long enough to do everything I want to do. But I've got steady babysitting through break and nice arrangement with one of my professors, so I should be able to crank work out. It'll be doubly nice because I won't be away from home until late at night.

That was probably my only real issue this semester; trying to balance being a mama and being an artist and student. There's this documentary I keep hearing good things about called, "Who Does She Think She Is?" I really need to see it. It's about women balancing being artists and being mothers. I want to know how others do it. How do others parent and art at the same time??? This is a great mystery to me...I guess I'll figure it out eventually. I mean I kind of have to, right?